So you think that after a month of no talking you can just waltz right back in here and be buddies again like nothing happened?

You seem to have decided that I'm your play thing. That you can come in and swat me around, give me grief for trusting my wonderful boyfriend and trusting him. You honestly think I give a fuck what you want or how you feel? You know what. 

                                                         BYE. BYE. DOUCHE BAG.
We had a good run, but it's over now. And I'm glad it is. I hope every night you go to bed and think of me, I hope you feel the same sense of loss and regret I felt when I was with you. I found the most amazing man in the world and he loves me. I hope that the poor girl who finds herself unfortunate enough to end up in your arms, runs. I hope she knows what is best for herself. I hope she does to you, what you did to me.

Now that I have that out. Good night internet. 

The scream progressively got louder. The scream of pain, of terror, of desperation. It grew and grew as the dull blade of the pocket knife slowly split the skin of her thigh among the many other scars and scabs of previous woes. She became afraid her mother would awaken at  her screams of pleasure and pain. She took the fist of the hand that wasn't slicing her leg and bit down hard on it. It stifled her just enough. She began to carve, she knew it'd be gone in a matter of months, she didn't scar well. She carved and carved. what was once just a mass of lines became recognizable as names, then the names formed a list. After an hour passed she sat back and sighed in relief. The first time she had done cuts this deep huge tears streamed down her face, but now she was accustomed to the pain, actually... It wasn't even pain anymore, it was now as comforting as a hug. Sitting back on her bed she looked at the knife sticking out of her thigh and felt it as her heart pumped blood to her lower leg, each time creating an even larger trickle of blood. Soon her whole leg was crimson.

A year ago today, this was my story. and look how far I've come.

For my lovely Nicole...

I opened the small colorful box. A treasure lay hidden within, wrapped in a bright foil wrapper with cartoon characters on it, this one had Barbie but who knew what the next would be. They showed you a small glimpse of what lay within. Quickly I shook this small gift from it's resting place. My small hands felt around for the place where the foil had been closed. This gift was a Nestle WonderBall.

The most deiclious treat for a small child back when I was 4. These filled my stocking every Christmas, layed on desk every Valentines day and Easter, sat in the cauldron on St. Patty's day, rested in the trick-or-treating pail on Halloween, and filled their own box on my birthday. They were basically THE singular bit of sustance I would devour in copious amounts from age 4 to 9.

At age 12 they disappeared and I had to find a new food to keep my hyperactive body going. Turns out Nestle sold the rights to make the Wonder Balls to a company called Frankford Candy. Turns out they still make them. They have also asked that if you would like to know if there is a place to purchess them you email them. What's that? You want the email address? Any time my lovelies. Here it is; info@frankfordcandy.com. DO IT. I emailed them. I will update you when I know if there is a place near me.

OH I'M SO EXCITED FOR WONDERBALL!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-z_WSTjr7c
UPDATE: They only did Spongebob ones and, get this, THEY NO LONGER MAKE THEM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

How do I feel? Like killing someone......

  To those of you who don't know; I row, or crew, or scull, or whatever you know it as. I row a double, meaning TWO people. We have 8's and 4's and the like too. Last week my other person NEVER came to practice and then expected me to hop into a boat with her after a week of sitting on my ass in the coaches’ launch... Not. Gonna. Happen. Thankfully they canceled our race. Nut now, this very weekend, we are attending the largest regatta of our season, with 42 boats in our race as opposed to the norm of two boats including us, and she won't listen to me. I hold the seat of power in the boat, aka bow seat. I steer, I call commands. Stroke seat is supposed to keep their eyes in the boat, face forward, mouth shut and set the pace for our race. I know what you’re thinking; WHAT'S THE POINT?! Here it is.

   Yesterday we head downstairs for practice. We get the boat, get on the water and everything is fine and dandy. "From now on Anna," I hear from the front of the boat, "We aren't going to say anything but port, starboard, or power ten." I got that sinking feeling. "WE?" I was ready to turn s around in a flash if she so much as gave me an unwanted seat movement. (This power struggle has been going a while. Can you tell?) "Well I mean you. I'm stroke seat. I'm not supposed to talk." YES! BREAK THROUGH! I was happier than a bird with a French fry as I rowed us up to our starting point. I turned and we began our race piece. I began to sense something was off, but I thought it was just the fact that something is always off and I was just used to it. But then... "Anna," She said turning around backwards to face me, "You need to lay back." The race pace went down to more of a lazy, 'Oh look, NATURE!' style rowing. I grudgingly responded and began to lay back more wincing at the pain it created in my lower back.

   The practice wore on. Every few minutes I would get a new gem of information that I apparently didn't know even though I've been rowing longer. I was learning all kinds of new things! Like the fact that Stern and Bow apparently switched places while I wasn't looking, as she now seemed to think SHE was in the power seat. We growled and bickered and bitched till the end of the practice. When we finally got back to the dock and got it end I thought it was all over. I was wrong... SO WRONG.

    When walking a boat in to our bay and onto its rack, one must walk it in BOW FIRST. The riggers, aka the things that hold the oars, are behind me. I cannot see them, unless I sprout an eye in the back of my head. As I'm walking I hear this wonderful noise echoing through our extremely expansive fiberglass hull; KUR-THUNK. I hear another coxswain try and laugh it off but my partner decides to blame me. I hear this conversation behind me (yes I have bleeped her name);

Coxswain: I saw that M****!

M****: "M****!? ANNA CAN TILT JUST LIKE I CAN!"

   Is it son unobvious to her that I don't have eyes in the back of my head? REALLY?!? I had had enough. I yelled over my shoulder that I couldn't really see the riggers and if we were going to hit something she needed to tell me and this is the response I get: "Whatever Anna, What. Ever."

    **UPDATE**: I may end up in jail guys. She confronted me about it at school today. Apparently it "isn't my job" to confront the coach about problems she and I obviously can't solve together. I may just take her down after school today.

And here comes the......

Angst. I was too nervous and embarrassed. Why? Well we were not only surrounded by the whole teams parents but my mom was watching from the car. Literally WATCHING. So there's that. And now, for more angst. Every time something goes fantastic, something goes lovely, or something goes right in my world; something catastrophic happens. So this month has been wonderful. No APR's, 2 silver medals, the best boyfriend in the world, and my normal family was back. Last night my world crumbled. It was 8 dinner had just finished and I had restarted on my homework when I heard the yelling. No not yelling, screaming. "Fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everything!" My father continuously repeated this sentence. Soon it got worse. I went and hid in my bath room, it's the only place you can't hear or see them, sat down and started to talk to people. Anyone who could or would talk. I heard him. In my sanctuary, my safe place. He had infiltrated it, and I was not about to have it. I got up and stormed out, determined to do this. He yelled at me and I yelled back and before my brain even had time to think my hand hit his face and the slap echoed around the now silent house. I felt as though I was free of this perpetual anger I had been wadding up since last September. Finally he knew EXACTLY how I felt. The fight continued on for hours. 10:30 finally rolled around and dad came downstairs again, this time calm. We talked. He told me how proud he was of me. I had stood up to him for the first time in my life. I still feel like angsty shit though

PSAT, Fall Break, Grades... Oh what is a private school girl to do?

lsakdjfhskljhfasd... That means "hi" in I-took-the-PSAT-this-morning-ese. My brain is fried. The only thought I've had all day is the notion of how close it is to crew time, which in turn makes me nervous. Why? Well it's been a month and this is probably the most serious relationship I've ever had (comparitive to both my boyfriends and girlfriends) so I'm taking the next step. Today at crew I'll be kissing Mr. Awesome. No, no. No kiss-n-tell. Just look for the post that's all jibberish or all angst depending on how it goes.

   Tomorrow is my last day of school before Fall Break. I have Friday and Monday off......... What a break..... The best part? I have NO plans. I'm with my grandma the whole time. Someone in my Spanish class is flying down to Mexico in her family's private jet, someone else is going to California. I'm staying here. I'll do homework during the day and star gaze at night I suppose. Maybe I'll sleep outside. The weather's finally nice enough. My grades come out next week too. Goody. Say bye bye to your friendly neighborhood blogger. I'll probably be out of commission for a while. These won't be pretty.

Super happy but unfortunatly also super sick

I'm sitting here in PJ's. My glasses are hiding the deep black circles under my eyes from my eyeliner and the fact I couldn't sleep last night thanks to not being able to breathe. But I still happy. Why? Because I had a fantastic day yesterday. I saw an old friend. I drove for the first time since recieving my learners. I spent 8 fantastic hours with Mr. Awesome and I have not stop smiling since. Even when I collapsed and passed out I had a smile on my face. Even though I would love to be at school and crew today, I'm content laying here. For now. But I can tell you that right now I'm definitly the happiest and the luckiest girl on the planet and that won't be changing anytime soon.